Looking back at my younger years is a hard thing to do and for a good reason: It reminds me of how I ended up in the situation I am in. However, nothing was a bigger reminder of how unhealthy it is to be wired into the internet 24/7 than the time period ranging from 2017 up to today. See, that was the time period where a lot of things went on both in the world and for me. Trump was inaugurated, causing a massive screech storm online and with my parents, helping seal the fate of communities being doomed to having discussion replaced with political talk, and as the year went on there were more and more censorship pushes as tech companies declared “never again”. The Net Neutrality drama was also enormous, with websites declaring the sky to be falling when it was repealed. A few good friends turned to drugs and alcohol, resulting in discord calls that would have been called scripted if it were a livestream due to the sheer drug fueled insanity that went on, involving some breakups of e relationships, all while getting premium front row seats to this all. I got my first job, worked it for a few months, and had to abruptly quit the job due to circumstances I won’t get into (other than it sucked), and I had to quit a few temp/inconsistent jobs earlier that year too.
With all the shit going on in my life, I wanted a break from it, or at least for things to improve. That’s when it hit me, they won’t improve for a while. I took some small steps towards this, like deleting my Twitter account, selling some things I didn’t need nor would I ever use (and I still need to get around to this), yet there was no way out of the insanity of the internet and it’s not like I could do much to improve it anyhow, either in little ways or big ways.
The first problem is the fact that like many people, my parents were directionless. Other than vague directions like “My son’s a computer wizard, he’s so gifted, he’s gonna make a lot of money someday” after resetting the printer once, they never helped me learn important skills like you’d expect. My grandpa tried to teach me skills, but he died in 2013 (the same year my hopes and dreams later did after a massive car accident). I never had a work ethic, and if I showed myself losing interest in something my parents would pull me out of whatever instead of encouraging me yet wouldn’t help me go where I wanted to oftentimes.
I also wanted to learn art from a younger age, yet there was just one major issue with that. Even when I was younger art classes weren’t about getting better (and this change happened somewhere along the line when I was younger), and instead were about scribbling whatever down. The doctors office had a sign of art from students of different ages, and as my art skills lagged behind I gave up realizing I’d never be that good as nobody held my hand. This would bite me in the ass years later as I became a furry, gained an affinity for character design, only to realize I couldn’t draw worth shit and that my art skills are still like that of a 3-year-old. Whoops.
Programming was even worse, I had an interest in “learning the computer” stuff but I didn’t do any of that. You know what I did? I tried to learn, struggled as nobody in life would help hold my hand and learn the basics, and went back to square one. I tried learning in online school but education never continued past a year or so, instead of learning over time.
What I did do was struggle in college and drop out after dealing with teachers who were assholes and students who were either assholes or apathetic. I spent time playing video games which gave me some skills, like how to uh get points? I spent time shitposting online, and finding out how people online operate, and the last few years of my life have been spent doing that and text or voice chatting in groups. While that skill might help me know how to target gamers or do PR online to an extent, it also won’t help me get a real-world job that pays dollars. And of course, you can only do one thing for years before you want to move on and do something else, like I want to do right now….except I’m struggling with what I just said. Having no skills bites you in the ass after a while. Sure, I can work the computers but that won’t even get me a basic level 1 tech support job I’d later end up hating, and learning skills I want to is going to be time consuming and will involve me giving up over and over again. I could try going to college, but what makes me think I won’t burn through my mom’s money for a bad education and no job prospects?
Is there even a way out sometimes I ask myself? Ah well, maybe there isn’t, and maybe I’ll just fall into that trap so many others did. With no guiding light in my life and no skills, what makes me different from them? I want to make a game for example, but how am I going to do it? How am I going to sit down and work on a long project when I can’t even learn basics to work myself out of a shitty lifestyle? Maybe I should have settled down with the lifestyle of smoking pot and watching cartoons, but it’s not like those people could accept me either.
Ah well, it’s just another day in this town. After writing all of that I fell asleep at 2:30 at night, woke up at 11, and got yapped at by my parents to do the chores. Not really a good environment for learning stuff when your entire work ethic is doing what the master in charge wants you to do, but meh whatever.